Introducing the All-Simpsons lineup. 

The Simpsons and Basketball 

Philip Maymin
Basketball News Services  

The All-Simpson Lineup:

At center, standing six feet tall and weighing in at 239 pounds, out of Springfield College and Krusty's Clown College, Homer Simpson!

Homer is not the most agile of men nor the smartest, but he's got quite a temper and can take a seemingly unlimited beating. Who better to defend the likes of Shaq and Yao?

On the other hand, while other centers are going up for a slam dunk, he'll be passed out on the court drunk.

But on the third hand, he does have a secret play that he's been saving for the Olympics or possibly the Final Four. And his teammates can use by just placing beers wherever they want him to set a pick.

At power forward, standing eight feet six inches tall and weighing in at CENSORED pounds, out of Springfield High School, Marge Simpson!

Like many of the league's best power forwards today (think Tim Duncan, Kevin Garnett, and Dirk Nowitzki), Marge is the tallest person on the team. The reason? The power forward is the one most responsible for rebounding, especially on the offensive end. With her tall blue hair, she merely needs to point her cranium in the general vicinity of the rim to virtually guarantee a rebound. Since she's held a jar of cash, a checkbook, and even a beach umbrella in her hair, it is not unreasonable to think she could hide a regulation sized basketball too.

On the other hand, she can be quite timid, and she has not generally shown herself to be even the slightest bit interested in playing sports.

But on the third hand, she can be fiercely brave when the situation warrants and is ethical to the core. If one of her family is in trouble, perhaps facing a double-team with their dribble expired, she will just run up to them and lift them up and out of danger. Plus, she has probably the greatest work ethic in the world, which can inspire even the most sluggish of players.

At small forward, standing around five feet tall and weighing in at around one hundred pounds, not quite out of Springfield Elementary, Bart Simpson!

Bart is a practical joke wizard, a class clown, and a mischievous young man; in other words, he's a lot like Ricky Davis. He's a wild card, an untamed and untamable frenzy who can slash to the basket or slash your wrists. He's better positioned for the small forward spot than the off-guard because he doesn't have a particularly consistent shot or great footwork on defense, but if he thinks it's rebellious in the right way, he can become a Ron Artest or Bruce Bowen-type of defensive stopper and a Kobe-esque quick-shooting clutch machine.

On the other hand, that's at his best. At his worst, Bart can loaf or quit or just walk out. He rarely uses picks and screens, and never sets them. He could be a significant liability.

But on the third hand, he can be extremely athletic and coordinated, as he has demonstrated with his skateboard. He can catch mad air if allowed to zoom through the court. He has potential.

At shooting guard, barely standing at all and weighing a mere handful of pounds, just barely out of Marge herself, Maggie Simpson!

Maggie brings new meaning to the term shooting guard, as she is not quite strong enough to lift and shoot basketball, but finds both the strength and the necessary aim whenever a rifle or a pistol find their way into her vicinity. Despite her youth, she has already managed to shoot several of Homer's enemies, including Mr. Burns and even the most elite members of the Springfield mob.

On the other hand, she can't dribble, pass, or shoot. She can't play defense. Heck, she can barely move. And how exactly is a baby supposed to defend Tracy McGrady?

But on the third hand, Marge or Lisa can place her wherever she needs to be, and with the right ammunition, she could even shoot a basketball. She's already got the aim.

At point guard, standing just under five feet tall and weighing in at around 90 pounds, out of Springfield Elementary and partial course credit at Springfield College, Lisa Simpson!

Lisa always does, or tries to do, the right thing, and that is the most important quality in a point guard. She doesn't care how many shot attempts she takes or makes, as long as she participates. When she thought the house was burning, she took her most valued trophy: attendance. She tries to be a good Buddhist and do the right thing, and pass to the man closest to the basket.

On the other hand, she has no real athletic accomplishments, except an uncanny ability to be a good hockey goalie. Furthermore, she doesn't care too much for sports.

But on the third hand, the basketball is barely larger than her whole body, so her dribble will be low to the ground and hard for a defender to snatch without fouling her. Plus, she might often get opportunities to shoot through the defender's legs with the dribble for a quick pass out to Maggie for a wide-open shot, or to Bart for a thunderous slam as he gets air by leaping off of a snoozing Homer.